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Tantra4GayMen Podcast – Episode 9 – No Sex in Long Term Relationship

Summary

In this episode of the Tantra for Gay Men podcast, Jason and Ingo Tantra explore the topic of being in a long-term relationship where the sex has died and your partner won’t talk about it. They discuss the spiritual perspective, the process of awakening, and the importance of truth and love in relationships.

They also share information about their upcoming launch of the Tantra for Gay Men Ashram, an online community for men who love men to practice Tantra. The first semester will focus on multiple orgasms and moving sexual energy into spiritual experiences.

If you’re interested in joining the Ashram or learning more about Tantra, visit community.tantraforgaymen.com. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to explore Tantra and connect with like-minded individuals.

Stay tuned for the next episode of the podcast and remember, love and truth are key in navigating challenging situations in relationships. Take care and lots of love. Bye bye.

Transcript

 Hello and welcome to the Tantra for Gay Men podcast hosted by Jason and Ingo Tantra. Here we’re exploring spirituality and personal growth through the practice of Tantra, the body, energy and sex.  Hello there, I’m Jason Tantra and welcome to episode 9 of the Tantra for Gay Men podcast with me and my beautiful husband Ingo Tantra.

 

In today’s episode we’re dealing with the question about being in a long term relationship. where the sex has died and that your partner won’t talk about it. And what do you do with that? And we explore this topic in a whole different range of ways. So not just like looking at it as a problem, but actually looking at it from Tantra, from a spiritual perspective, as a soul awakening, many different ideas to help and support you.

 

We also at the end of the podcast, talk about the ashram and about learning to train with Ingo and I and our first semester in the ashram being all about multiple orgasms. So listen a ll the way to the end if you’re interested um, to um, hear about what that is. If you wanted to jump into that community.

 

tantraforgaymen.  com. Okay, hope you enjoyed this episode. Take care now, bye bye.  Hello there beautiful Ingo!  Hello, my darling. I’m all right. Thank you. Here we are at episode nine. And where are we this time?  We actually, um, many of you dear listeners don’t know this, but, um, Jason and I have this hobby and that hobby is, um, travel to spiritual places in the world.

 

So we are in India. We are in Dharamsala. We are within licking distance of the Dalai Lama’s residence himself. And I think we’re going to try and see him in a couple of days.  Yes, we’re going to, um, some of his teachings. I didn’t get the bit early where it starts at 5 a. m. I think you withheld that piece of information.

 

It starts at 8 a. m. But you need to be there. Yes, at 5 a. m. She recommended.  I thought she was on about 5 p. m.  Listen, today’s question is is a really typical question that we get many times in our Tantra retreats, workshops, events, and it’s the question around  person arriving and him saying, I’m in a long term relationship, 20 plus, 30 plus, 40 plus years.

 

We haven’t had sex for over 10, 20 years. Um, my agreement is that I’m in a monogamous relationship and he won’t talk about it. He won’t talk about why we’re not having sex and he won’t just, he just won’t talk about the topic at all.  And I think in our years, you know, when we talk about the podcast, um, you and I sat down and we brainstormed 16 years worth of different scenarios.

 

And this issue for the person experiencing it is quite common. And I think People get very stuck or very lost, um, because they don’t know what to do. You know, they had an agreement and that agreement, um, isn’t working. And, you know, I know from my own previous relationship, you know, I had an agreement of a monogamous relationship and there was a period of time in that relationship where we didn’t have sex for over two years. 

 

And you know, I’ll talk later about it, but it just drove me insane, physically, physically insane.  You told me that so often, right? Yeah, that, that, that was a really, really difficult  period. Well, and my problem was, you know, I’m a man of my word and my partner wouldn’t discuss it at all. Um, he had like zero emotional capability to even talk about anything. 

 

I just remained stuck in this monogamous agreement without having any needs met, clawing the walls. And, um, before I met you, I made myself the promise that I would never be in that situation again. So I really compassionately feel the pain and the struggle that men go through with this question, because, you know, we’re brought up to honor our word, honor our agreements, But actually,  unfortunately, we’re human beings with human and my Dame Edna Everidge voice with, you know, drives and juices.

 

And, you know, what do you do? How do you deal with deal with this, this issue, this problem? And, you know, as we talk about it today, I’ve got many different layers to explore this that might be helpful for you. As you would say, you can go, dear listener, because if any of you are listening that have this problem, I can’t begin to tell you the amount of compassion that I have for you because it’s fucking difficult and it’s fucking painful.

 

And it’s a really, you know, it just feels like there’s no hope. It feels like a really hopeless situation full of grief and stuckness. You know just feeling incredibly stuck and depressing and and not a good place to be.  Oh, yeah I really only almost got goosebumps when you when you mentioned this because  um  What you are actually saying is what we discussed last time is this nexus between It happens in my sex and it happens in my life.

 

So,  um, things are not happening in their sex. There is frustration  and then that basically It can impact your whole life. You’re very often These people that come to us they are depressed. They this feeling of stuckness. It’s not about The sexual part, it’s, it’s, it’s about their whole life. So actually this, this question, this question, how can I unlock this?

 

How can I solve this problem that is seemingly only sexual? But actually,  um, they’re asking a bigger life questions. And once, once you, you know, that’s, I guess, your experience and my experience, once you start to, to ask them what is behind there, and once you start to explore that,  A whole can of worms usually opens and it’s like, wow, if we can master this,  there are so, so, so many other things in their life that  where, where salient questions are going to automatically be asked with that.

 

So what I’m saying is it’s much, much bigger than just the sex, the question. So if, if you as a listener, um. You know, if you are in this situation, ask yourself, is this just the sex? And I guarantee you, there are lots of other topics then popping up and that’s what makes it so difficult, but at the same time, so rewarding to potentially work on that because many things are going to change in your life.

 

Once you, um, Once you find an answer to this or an answer a workable way to move through that with you And I I when I was thinking about this podcast today, I actually didn’t want to start answering the question with a normal typical psychotherapeutic approach looking at relationship We’ll come to that in a moment.

 

I wanted to actually go in a different way and look at the spirituality of this question Tantra being a spiritual practice towards awakening enlightenment and people often think that spirituality is about ascending to something or about becoming something or And actually for me the deepest part of spirituality is your life.

 

You know, how are you doing life in a way that, that, that feels true to you? You know, we talk about tantra being the pathway of, of love and truth. And for me, When you’re in this situation of being stuck in a relationship where there’s no sex and you’re literally talking to a brick wall, there is a breakdown of truth because your partner can’t, won’t hear you and it’s like talking to a brick wall and then it feels like you’re the only one that’s left to make the choices and I want to explore that a little bit more.

 

But I want to go to the spirituality part first,  because the soul,  if you think about a soul before it becomes embodied,  actually, that soul is free, you know, it’s moving around, it’s completely free, it is, you know, can be interdimensional into everything, and it’s free.  And then it comes into a physicality and, you know, as humans we have limitations, physical limitations.

 

Like often I sometimes want to do more in life than my physical limitations will enable me to do.  And I think that in the human form that cry out for sex  For me, in sex, there’s a remembrance of who you really are as a soul, as a being. There’s like an energy that happens. You know, when we teach tantric sex, people have the most profound spiritual experiences that they experience themselves beyond their normal self, their human self.

 

And I think even in the act of just, you know, Normal sex actually there’s still that and there’s something that the body needs There’s something physiological that the body needs, but I also feel in sex There’s something that the the soul needs as well It’s as well and there’s like the process of sex is almost like a remembrance of who you are. 

 

Well, um what  I think we are talking about two two two things here when when you mentioned soul You I was,  there is this fundamental question.  If you’re together with a person in a long term relationship,  what is your soul contract?  That’s what we ask  ourselves in Tantra. That means why are you together and how are you together with that person? 

 

Um, almost beyond, Your individual, uh, beingness. There are, there are, there are deeper reasons what I call the, the, the, the soul contract and can I just interject here? There’s also going to be in a lot of relationships, a lot of unconscious agreements, exactly. And this is just what I wanted to say, but, um, I think that  in practice, so, so this is the theory, you know, in, in, in, um, in the theory, you There is this soul contract between two souls and they are moving  towards something together and learning from each other and meant to be together.

 

But in practice,  It often looks, um, you know, we are stumbling into a relationship,  uh,  based on unconscious projections,  based on  unclear situations,  based on maybe pure convenience,  based on only partial knowledge of ourselves.  So, um, We might stumble into a relationship and at that point we might not entirely be clear Why we’re in there and then we evolve  and it’s it’s very often this this situation  That you’re describing My partner isn’t talking.

 

I want this But my partner isn’t talking to me is usually we stumbled into a relationship 20 years ago. And now one of us has evolved and is starting to ask themselves questions and the other  person  maybe isn’t, but the problem is That the initial, um, contract that we have, the agreements that we have, for example, to be monogamous, are still in place.

 

And my question always, how did we enter into that? How did we enter into, um, those, um, agreements? And very often it’s unconscious. Or it’s based on, um, Um,  where we were 20 years ago, there’s two points I want to branch off into here because I think that’s brilliant what you’re saying. One part I want to branch off to is different relationship structures, which is one of the things you’re pointing to.

 

And the other thing I want us to talk about is  What is it about the person that won’t talk about it? What are they representing in the relationship? And I want to take some time to explore that as well. But let me go to the first part  because, as you said, you know, maybe People stumbled into the relationship or they found themselves in a relationship and often that’ll be because there’s really good things.

 

You know, you fall in love, they’re really sexy, you really love them, you adore them, they’re cute, they’re funny, everything’s amazing. And as you also said, there’s going to be a lot of unconscious, unresolved stuff.  And,  sometimes it will look like it’s the other, I’m answering the second question first. But sometimes it looks like it’s the other person’s fault.

 

He won’t talk about it. He’s being like a brick wall. And actually, if you imagine the relationship being a bit like a goldfish tank. And if you imagine like corals and the fish, they are interdependent with each other to exist. The coral need the fish, the fish need the coral. And most relationships are like this.

 

And so, when you first met, actually the fact that they weren’t a talker, or the fact that, you know, they really held the masculine energy, um, not to be confused with gender.  Or the fact that they were really down to earth, muscly, fit, providing things, but not very spiritual, you know, and be like a real man, you know, that sets off, you know, people’s, there’s like an attraction on so many different levels. 

 

And then as the relationship evolves, as you said, they haven’t changed. They are still in this previous model, but the problem what’s happened is sexual desire has changed.  And actually once the initial passion in a relationship, um,  wanes, it then gives way to, well, what are we really here in this relationship? 

 

Also, um, that reminds me of, we shouldn’t forget That, um, as we, as we go through life, we go through different cycles with age. So, um, in my early twenties,  you know, my, my, my, my choice of people of, of, of relationships would have been completely different because I was,  there were just different, other things were important in my life.

 

And what we see usually in, in our line of work is for example,  That it’s only after it’s only from a certain age only from a certain level of life experience That people start to ask themselves deeper questions. What is my spirituality?  Why am I here?  What do I really want from life?  And one reason, you know We said that one one one reason why people are coming into tantra usually  When they are it starts in their late 20s early 30s not in their early 20s Because that’s a different, um,  life stage.

 

So,  I see this a lot with couples who have been together from quite an early age. From age 22, you know, met when, let’s say, their whole life was about dating. You know, getting the education, exploring, I don’t know what, exploring the world, exploring clubbing, uh, being full on in their career. And then all of a sudden, 15 years later, you are in your late thirties where these, all of these things have changed and you are starting to ask yourself very different questions.

 

And then usually. These gaps start to appear and and that’s yes And I think also one of the things I would mention in in when you’re in your early 20s  I don’t know about for people listening, but I had a very idealistic Idea of what relationship was I was going to meet a man I was going to be swept off my feet.

 

He was going to be older than me muscly fit He was going to be, you know, a real man’s man, and I had all these amazing ideas of what I thought this was going to be. And yet when I was in it,  um, after I think year four and five, I’ve never been so bored in the whole of my life because the relationship that I had entered into, I think served me in the first years.

 

And then I well it wasn’t a change it was like a waking up it was like oh I’ve done this now for four or five years and my partner at the time  He wasn’t able to it wasn’t that he wasn’t willing. He wasn’t able to evolve and change. He came from a very  Traditional family structure You know, uh, mum, uh, dad, dad went to work, mum stayed at home and cooked and was half wise.

 

It was a really traditional, um, model.  And there was never any emotional discussions. There was never any acknowledgement of emotions. It was all, you know, in good old English standard, brushed under the carpet, pushed away, never spoken about. And, you know, for me, I’m an incredibly emotional person and actually only survive by naming and working through my emotions and what’s going on.

 

And so as I kind of broached into that part of myself. I became increasingly indifferent in the relationship. I became almost alien to the  relationship. And I think this is what happens when men arrive at our workshop is they’ve changed. They’ve evolved or actually maybe they haven’t evolved. There’s another part in them that is asking for connection, that is, uh, the soul is asking to be met, to be seen, to be adored, devoted to all of those things that we do in Tantra.

 

And so,  It’s them. Well, what do you do and and and it’s not the fact that the other person changed But it’s like you woke up. It’s like an awakening you wake you you woke up You woke up to the to the fact that you wanted something different or you wanted to fix  Something that your partner wasn’t able to talk about  and that can be super difficult for my partner because literally I mean I wouldn’t want to be in that position because from their perspective  it must literally be feeling like I don’t know my partner anymore.

 

They had their they’ve had their awakening or whatever, but I literally cannot follow  They must feel excluded,  belittled, something like that. And very often I think then this brick wall might be a kind of  reaction of fear. Oh God, I’m losing my partner. And I literally  don’t know what to do because I literally can’t follow him.

 

Well, then let’s just talk about this, um, person that’s not, able to talk. I don’t perceive it as a not willing to talk, but actually it’s a not able to. And, you know, in our experience, it’s often been that one, they don’t have the emotional capacity to talk about feelings.  Two, it could be, um,  that it’s incredibly scary.

 

Like, you know, if I start to talk about what I’m really feeling, or I start to listen to my partner, as Yeah. I will lose him and everything will be destroyed  and, mm-Hmm. For some men, you know, their stability and their safety is in the fact that they’ve lived in the same house for a long time. They’ve done the same job for a long time.

 

They, they have the same patterns. Mm-Hmm. . But  safety and security are not sexy. It’s like the two don’t. Don’t go together like sex and sexy. Like, you know, if you think about dear listeners and I was only doing research, but, you know, think of some of like the wildest sex you may have had in your life or think about some of the most risky sex, incredibly exciting, heart pounding.

 

Oh my God. And it was always in the case where there wasn’t safety and security because I don’t think those two sit together. So I think sometimes in some relationships when the choice by one partner is about safety and security and stability, actually that that doesn’t that that’s like about staying stuck.

 

Staying still. And for some people, that’s absolutely fine. That’s what they want. But when two partners are at  a difference in that, it’s like the nature of sex in a relationship past the initial passions and falling wildly in love. It’s like, well, what does that sex become? Well, it becomes more intimate.

 

It becomes like you get to be really seen by your partner. In sex, in a long term relationship, there’s a vulnerability. It’s like your partner really sees you in your purest unfiltered  state. They see you at the height of your orgasm, the height of your pleasure, the height of your ecstasy, and there’s a vulnerability around that. 

 

And I sometimes perceive that on an ongoing basis, it’s difficult for us to keep being seen in our vulnerability because our natural instinct is to be safe, protected. And so if you have sex with somebody that you don’t necessarily know, well then you’re, whilst it’s racy and exciting, you’re not actually losing any Any of the security because they don’t matter to you that you’re not going to know them in 10 minutes.

 

And so that can be very quick, very transactional, and it’s gone. But if you’re making love with a partner that you’ve been with for a very long time, it’s like the nature and the quality of that sex becomes more about love, love making, being really seen, being really held. And it could also reaffirm sort of like the commitments that you have with each other. 

 

Yes, what’s coming to mind? Um, just isn’t both necessary. Well, that’s interesting because  this reminds me of, you know, when we talk like in Tantra through like the chakra system, different, different flavors of sex and, and last, last podcast, we talked about  the, the, the, the. animalistic component or the animalistic mode of having sex that’s Maybe not for everyone but for most people that wants to be met  so  in my mind  isn’t Both necessary for many people in a balanced kind of sex life.

 

Well, and I wonder whether you’re then pointing to relationship structures, because the answer would be for me, it depends.  And if you and your partner are in a traditional monogamous mindset, and that’s what you choose to have, then the answer to that question would be yes. My partner needs to be all of those things for me.

 

And Yeah, that’s that I find particularly, you know, it’s, it’s, it’s, it could be my partner needs to be. Well, except I get that, but equally I want to  respect those people that have made those choices  and for some people that works,  but for many, well, what we know is that  In our field that the men that we work with, they have a million different, um, relationship structures. 

 

But I want to just point to the part where  I just want to name actually how through gay marriage, you know, through marriage between same sex partners, um,  That actually, I wonder whether we’ve picked up a heteronormativity ideal on what a relationship structure could be like. And I go back to how I was in my 20s.

 

I had this incredibly romantic notion of the relationship that I was going to have that was going to give me everything, that was going to fulfill everything. And then there’s, it does to begin with. And then there’s this, This slow, creeping disappointment to a point where it’s like, actually, it’s now really not serving me and I can no longer sustain myself in the way that our relationship is structured and either there’s, we’ve seen partners that have gone through massive re e.

 

Transcribed renegotiations of the agreements, and that has worked really well for them. We’ve seen couples separate and break apart because the relationship can’t sustain that.  Um, and we’ve seen, you know,  100 different combinations of throuples, part time lovers, don’t ask, don’t tell, you know, many different structures that have helped people. 

 

Really go back to the point you’re saying to safely in the relationship. How can I keep the relationship safe whilst actually feeling that I’m getting all my needs met, recognizing that my partner cannot fulfill all of my needs, that they, he can’t be everything to me.  That’s what you just said that that’s that’s key.

 

I think recognizing that  Sorry if this sounds controversial, but I really believe in that it’s like the idea that  Your partner can fulfill everything that your soul might have ever  Wanted it can all be in one of that. That’s that’s a recipe for failure because that puts an immense Pressure 

 

onto that partnership. And I think it’s more about,  uh, reaching a  realistic, um, appraisal of what really, really is. But that, because once you let go, once you let go of this, this fantasy, I think it’s, it’s a positive thing. Most people think, Oh God, what, what’s going to be left then? But I think it’s really positive because. 

 

Then you actually discover that there is an awful lot, an awful, awful lot of tenderness and an awful lot of, of, of, of, of things that you really have a deep soul contract,  uh, with, you know, and once you, you, um, You focus on that what is there in terms of soul contract as opposed to it has to be everything including what is not there Then possibilities open up because you know what you already have.

 

I want to come back to this point  Yeah that my partner won’t talk about this Because I feel that there’s a spiritual process of awakening when you’re in that situation, your partner won’t talk about it, and you have to make some choices. And either you suffocate yourself,  And you don’t talk about it and you carry on for another decade.

 

There’s something about a process of awakening in that your partner won’t talk to you. So what do you do? Do you suffocate yourself? Push away all your desires and part of you essentially dies in that process. Some people have done that because they don’t know how to tackle it. Other people’s have been like, This is not acceptable to me and I need this relationship to here that I have needs that are not being met and I need to find a way to solve that.

 

Either you in my, in our monogamous agreement need to change so that I can get those needs met here or I need to go and find other solutions to get those needs met.  That whole part for me is a spiritual awakening because it’s like actually I’m not willing to put up with the status quo anymore. I’ve changed, I’ve matured, I’ve grown, my needs have grown and and now I have a voice. 

 

You know, and how many times have we seen people that have never had a voice, never felt they were worthy enough, never felt they were good enough, felt that they’d, you know, they, they should just put up and shut up, and then there’s awakening, like, no, I’m gonna go home, and, and we need to talk about this. 

 

Yeah, absolutely.  That’s what I’m referring to when I say, um,  This is not just about the sex thing.  This is about  staying true to yourself  and learning how to stay true to yourself. Learning how to speak that, how to negotiate that, how to stand with that, how to find a solution, even when it becomes  Painful? 

 

Yeah.  We talk about the pathway of Tantra being about love and truth, and love and truth are in equal proportions. Um, like love just on its own  isn’t enough. It can get a bit soft soapy and a bit too  gagging if there’s not truth there. And truth on its own just feels harsh  And so for me the the path of of tantra is about love and about truth  And I feel that with this topic we’re dealing with today It’s knocking on the truth door  You know, how could you name your truth, and that for me is one of the pathways in Tantra.

 

What we try to do is through, let’s just pick orgasm and the ecstatic body, we help people to break through their normal expression of themselves. That’s why when they do the ecstatic body, they feel exposed in some way.  Yes.  I think it starts much earlier, on a much more basic level,  when you go into Tantra, because, um, for example, in, in,  at a very, very basic level, let’s say, beginner’s workshop. 

 

It’s about really naming. Well, I want to, no, I want to go back. I want to go back. So what I was naming was in Tantra, in your early workshop, you’re going to learn the ecstatic body and what you’re learning to do there. People think it’s about sensations in your body. And for me, yes, it is that. But actually what you may be doing for the first time is starting to express yourself.

 

Yeah. by sensations in your body, but expressing yourself in ways that you’ve never done before. When you then meet like a multi orgasmic massage, you’re expressing, you know, we encourage people breath, sound, meet sensation. People are expressing themselves in ways that are truthful and congruent to them, but actually are a much wider expression of how they’ve been. 

 

If they then take that, you know, as we said, if it’s in your sex, it’s in your life. If you take that expression of your truth into your day to day life, what’s going to be reflected back to you are the situations in your life where you’re not that. So, for example, in this question today, you know, somebody could have been on a tantra workshop and then go home and go, Oh.

 

Well, actually, the, this relationship agreements we had no longer fits me. I’m expressing myself in my greater truth and we, we need to recalibrate this relationship. Absolutely. So I didn’t know, I was just going to start to summarize. I was, I was gonna, I was going to go off in, in, in,  because again, in, in, in that direction.

 

So for me. Before we even come to something like the ecstatic body,  um,  at a very, very, very basic level, we learn how to speak in Tantra, how to speak our desires, how to speak what’s true for us with that partner that we are partnered with, for example, to do a certain exercise. Are you talking consent? We are, um,  Yes, part, you know, this is, this leads into establishing consent, obviously, when we, um, when we do, uh, when we,  when we, um,  do partner exercises.

 

It’s always about establishing consent, but something quite magical happens in, in that lead up to establishing consent, because we are  invited to really feel into ourselves and then speak the truth of what is there. What, what desire is there in that moment? What is not there? What, Could I want to do with that person?

 

What might I not want to do with that person? And it’s it’s it’s a practice Um that many people don’t you know, how often do you do something like that in your normal life almost never? So it’s learning how to actually Um, translate what is there into language and, and, and become clearer about what it is that your soul desires in every single moment.

 

And that changes in every moment. And  that practice.  Is key as you mentioned, you know, it’s key for establishing consent  But it does something with you and this is what what you just said it it brings you into that Oh, wow, there is a truth inside me  that wants to be spoken and actually now I can But the point I wanted to add what you’re describing is a very mental activity  And very necessary and what i’m describing is an embodied  And I think both are necessary they have to find a way of being in tandem  Well, but they they they happen in tandem on on in in each of our um our  Retreats they actually happen in tandem because some  For some people, you know, if you, if you have never done Tantra, for example, uh, to come in there and first find that consent and then go into that embodied practice and see where it leads you that these two go in tandem. 

 

For me, that’s an incredible blossoming when we witness men. Expressing themselves in ways that they’ve never done before and experiencing sensations that they’ve never done before. And there’s like a sensation of bliss in those sensations. That is like a piece of, like a stone in your shoe. Because I think once you’ve felt that,  the danger with  Tantra is, Yeah, it will show you abundantly give you amazing Experiences that are beyond anything you’ve ever imagined and it will shine a stage Spotlight in the areas of your life where that’s not the case And I think the pathway of Tantra is both of these things It’s like how do you enable yourself to fully meet the bliss the orgasm the universal orgasm the universal bliss?

 

Ecstasy And the other half is how do you work through everything else that gets in the way of that? So for example, you know, maybe part of that is being in relationships and structures that haven’t evolved in your evolution. They haven’t kind of kept pace.  And, and, you know, but then it could also go to other areas of your life, you know, like the job that you do, or family structures, or friendship structures, or how you choose to live your life.

 

Once you start to live  in your full empowerment as a being in a human body, fully expressive of yourself, actually that gives you a kaleidoscope of different possibilities how to experience yourself. And. In that is one step towards this liberation and freedom.  For example, and I’m kind of coming to a summary here. 

 

If you’re able to name to your partner, whether they are able to have a discussion with you or not, but if you’re able to name to your partner, your absolute truth,  that is something that’s so profound. And so strong and you know, you could feel like you’re risking everything in that moment,  but that actually just naming your truth can help you to feel alive.

 

Now I’m not saying this, you know, making any recommendations to anybody’s situation because we don’t know your situations if you’re listening, but I’m just talking about that moment, what it feels like to really name your truth and to be seen in that. What the results are and how the other person responds and how that all transpires is all secondary.

 

But just being able to name your truth of who you are, what you need in life, and how it should be is incredibly beautiful. And it’s like a little flower that blossoms, you know, for the first time. Well, and through these That’s what you learn in Tantra. And I think with the, the, the, the mental part and also the, the very, very physical part that comes together at some point,  and you learn how to stand in that truth and to, to, so would you say it’s,  you know, if you are in this issue that your partner, you know, you, you, you have no, uh,  you have evolved and your partner doesn’t understand.

 

And then you do tantra, would you say that’s a dangerous? Um, that’s a loaded question, isn’t it?  You just like loaded the garden and pull the trigger like oh hold this a moment That’s so funny, would you what would you say Would you say, I think there’s a step before here that we haven’t said, and that I think is so important. 

 

It may not be in your agreements with your partner. You know, for me, I’m passionate about having agreements with your partner, and renegotiating those agreements as you need to. So it could be That actually that you need to talk to your partner whether he’s able to listen or not But that he can hear you and hear what you know What’s changing for you what your needs are and that you could talk about ways in which that might be solved It could be that things need to change between you In your relationship like we’ve seen couples come onto a tantra course looking for answers in their relationship And I think that’s a beautifully valid approach Equally there may be different structures to that relationship, you know You know often we hear about people opening up their relationship or you know renegotiating some agreements, but that can’t be Keeps the relationship secure and safe and acknowledged as, as primary.

 

And there’s like a hundred different variations. I’m not advocating any of those.  I’m not, no. But, um, what we are basically saying is if you really go into Tantra, um, with this, it’s, this is going to open things up between you and your partner, you know, and you need to, and the prize.  Like the prize of doing that difficulty is to live with such peace in yourself Like, you know, we talk about the process of awakening for me one aspect of awakening and bliss is that it can only happen when the body is surrendered when there’s no more anxiety or stress or situations where there’s not love and truth And I believe that the part of the pathway of Tandra is about shining love and truth into those incredibly difficult situations. 

 

But they’re there for you to bring truth to. They’re there for you to bring love to. It’s like it’s been unresolved until you and your partner are able to step into this and able to explore this with both of your Um, histories with such sensitivity, with such care, with such love. And I think the last thing I would say here is  It’s, you know,  it can sometimes be very easy to blame your partner for not being able to talk or not being able to, to, you know, suddenly come up with the answers. 

 

And it might be that they’re not resourced to, or they don’t know how to, or that they may be incredibly fearful or stuck. And for me, the problem is not necessarily the other person. And it’s like, how would, like for me, the guiding principle, how would compassion and how would love solve this issue between you?

 

How would compassion solve that? And it might be, you know, partner, I love you, we’ve been together a long time. And listen, there’s something that’s really troubling me, and I don’t know how to talk about it to you, but I, I, I feel like I just, I don’t need answers, but I just need you to hear me, hear what’s going on for me.

 

And even if you could love that part of me that needs to be seen in some way. You know, it’s like, how do you bring love and compassion? Equally, the last piece of advice I would give,  you may feel that you’re both not resourced to be able to even have that conversation. And, you know, my answer would be therapy, therapy, therapy.

 

It might be, or even like just somebody to help facilitate the conversation, to hold space for you, or to go into therapy to talk about this. You know, many couples do that too.  That means tantra only if there’s something inside you where you are,  you’re ready to shine light on this. Whatever, whatever might be in this, you know, dark attic.

 

You do you want to shine light on it? because The prize is immense if you can shine light on it and both then work through the process where The outcomes of the process is open,  but it’s going to be for the better, but you need to be up for that and  I remember we have recommended to many people. Listen, this is premature  Start with something more gentle, therapy, coaching, something like that. 

 

But Tantra, it’s, it’s about shining the light into that because you, the more, as you said, the more you, you  add this sexual energy into who you are, into your, your system,  the more the truth is you, the, the, the, the, the stronger your truth is going to get. And you’re not going to be able at some point anymore to live without expressing we we also know some partners where the agreement is you can go and do all the tantra workshops in the world you want to And that’s your ticket to go and explore everything of you you need to But that you come home and we we we stay in our relation, you know, as I said, there’s many many different the world  Yeah, I wanted to mention that there were um  It’s  what I personally learned for me many, many years ago.

 

A big eye opener was Dossi Easton’s book, The Ethical Slut, which is basically about Um, you know, uh, polyamorous relationships. And I read that and I was like, I’m not even polyamorous, but I, I, I learned so much from that and this one, this one, if I put it into one sentence, it’s about truth, honesty, respect, and then the negotiation and  anything goes who says that relationships need to be. 

 

Of a certain, uh, of a certain, what’s the word I’m looking for? Uh, it, it, relationships can only be this or only be that. And she basically says, throw all of these, these preconceptions away. Because they can do, they can be anything you want them to be. The important thing is not, What the how the relationship is structures or structured or what rules it has Um, the important thing is that you got to this rule set or to the structures via a process of radical honesty radically being with what’s really true for you and love and respect for each other and You know polyamorous relationship it would be another three podcasts or something but But I I wanted I wanted to mention that here because I think it’s the same rule that applies to so just say them Again, one more time  Um, it’s about radical honesty  It’s about respect and and love compassion difference Between each other and it’s about completely standing in your own truth, which Presupposes that you actually know what your own truth is, but that’s I am You know, I’m assuming here That’s what Tantra does and then you step into that truth and then from a place of love Be honest with your partner  and see say I really love you.

 

I hold you in all of my love And this is my truth. Please, may you see me in this truth. And  out of that process, that sets a process in motion, where you start to look into each other’s soul when you do this. Um, with each other  and then something really, really, really good comes out of that. That will also,  I say that will also solve this question,  uh, this problem that we, this podcast was about.

 

I just want to say, as we bring this to a close, just utter respect and compassion and love. Thank you. For you if you’re listening and you’re in this situation, you know, you’re not alone It can feel incredibly isolating  And you know, I know we’ve said a lot and they may be really good aspirations for a lot of people But our hope is whilst we may not be able to help you make those first steps.

 

Maybe we’ve shown a path On the possibility that we know from our experience about how you might solve this issue if you are in that but just to rename it’s really tough place to be and it’s really difficult and you’ll be okay. You’ll be okay as you get through and there’s the potential for complete liberation and freedom and maintaining your relationship in that too, you know, all possibilities solution.

 

The solution is not an answer. The solution is a process with the faith. That it leads to something amazing. And I personally, what, what we can do is to say we have. Worked with many many many couples  and we know we have this faith from from seeing so so many people going through this kind Of process of radical honesty and and standing in your own truth.

 

Thank you. It works again and again if you’re  There’s some we need to talk about something else before we bring this to a close podcast Ingo  Uh, we are going to be just a couple of weeks into the launch of our ashram So dear listener if you’re listening to our podcasts Um, and you want to practice tantra, maybe you’re not able to join us physically in person So on the 1st of July, we’re launching our Ashram, which is on our app platform,  and it is a practicing online community of men who love men.

 

And the way that our Ashram works is we curate a program, and the program from the beginning of July to the middle of October Is all about orgasms, multiple orgasms, moving sexual energy into spiritual experiences, learning how to do multiple orgasms. We have got a whole array of video lectures, audio lectures, um, and live lectures as well.

 

Live practice sessions.  Taught by an amazing team of uh, we are going to be holding practice review and spiritual inquiry So you’re going to come to interact with us and all of this from the comfort of your home because it’s online like affected by any of the Things that we’re talking about today You know join the ashram and bring it to spiritual inquiry and we can then hear you and work with you in the process In our spiritual inquiry process, we also have in the first term a masterclass by Will Tantra, one of our students who’s become a multi orgasmic  expert.

 

He’s going to be doing a, um, a masterclass for us. Um, yeah, it’s going to be amazing, probably about 42 a month on a rolling subscription. And when the first term or semester finishes, we’re We will then bring you a whole new topic. So it’s basically a way to live Tantra on a day to day, integrating this practice into your life as guided by, by, by a singer. 

 

Yeah. I’m super, super excited about this. This could be an amazing community and, and reach people who  otherwise would never be able to access this. Um, I’m. Excited if you’re listening to this and and thinking about joining this  i’m excited to get to know you and And and work with you. Um It’s it’s almost a personal relationship So if you’re interested to join that community dot tantra for gay men dot com that’s community dot tantra for gay men Dot com and we’re starting.

 

Um 1st of July. I think the first meeting is on the 30th of June, actually, on the Sunday, but you can join at any time. Anytime you listen to this, you can jump into the program at any time.  Okay, baby. Thank you so much for today’s podcast.  Thank you, beautiful, dear listeners. And we’ll be back again in two weeks with our next podcast topic.

 

Okay. Lots of love to you. Take care.  Bye bye. Bye bye.  Hello there, so I really hope that you enjoyed this podcast, um, all about dealing with issues in a long term relationship where there’s no sex and you’re not able to talk about that. I really hope that all of the discussion items that we talked about really serve you.

 

If you’re interested to join us in the Tantra for Gay Men ashram, our online  practicing community of Tantra, you can find out details for that community there.  the number for gay men dot com. That’s community dot tantra for gay men dot com. We’re going to be back with you next time with a whole new podcast, a new topic, and look forward to seeing you then.

 

Lots of love. Take care now. Bye bye.

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