Tantra & Gay Marriage

Video Transcript:

Hello there, this time I'd like to talk to you about gay marriage and you might ask me what that has to do with Tantra but let me just go back a couple of steps. So gay marriage was given to us across the world probably in the last few years and one interesting statistic which you're probably aware of is that up to half of all heterosexual marriages end in divorce. Let me just repeat that for you, just up to half of all heterosexual marriage ends in divorce and if I'm sat there pondering that for a little while, I kinda sat there thinking why would I as a gay man take on an institution of marriage where I've got a 1 in 2 chance of it working and I think that takes me back to really considering about what marriage is? Is it an institution that's been given down to us by Christianity telling us that we must marry one other person and be with that person for the rest of our lives, or originally when I was talking to some of my friends, they say that marriage was originally to do with land deals and land swaps or marrying into blood lines or marrying into families that have certain resources and I kind of sit with the question around who says that the way that we understand how marriage actually works for us as humans. It's like we've been given the idea of marriage from the church, we've been given the idea of marriage from generations of our families passed down and we're kind of working on an idea of marriage that was something that was created in the dark ages and one in two of those marriages ends in divorce and it's like why on earth would you want to take this on.
For me when I look at the idea of marriage from a tantric perspective what I'm kind of considering is firstly reclaiming back my power around what my marriage means to me. Let me just repeat that, I am reclaiming back my power and my decision and my sense of what's right inside my inner truth about what marriage is, what what a correct marriage looks like. As some of you may know I married my husband Ingo, well actually we went through a civil partnership and then I upgraded us to a marriage when that became legal but one of the things I did and it might be helpful to you because we were doing the Civil partnership we actually didn't have the necessity to need to do what typically happens within a marriage ceremony so I asked one of my good friends Dee who is a celebrant and we created an orchestrated service and vowels that Ingo and I made to each other that were based on our truth, that were based on what we wanted what we wanted our relationship to be. So before for anybody else's ideas of what a good marriage looks like and before anybody else's ideas, for me what I wanted to do and what Ingo and I went through as a process of what is it that we’re really marrying or making a commitment to be with, within the container of our relationship and we basically were able to make promises around supporting and helping the other person be the best version of themselves in the world.
So when we did our marriage vows we didn't make marriage vows around fidelity, we didn't make marriage vows around control, we didn't make marriage vows about all my resources are yours but within the concept of marriage all of that was kind of happening in terms of shared resources but I think what it gave us was a real opportunity to really think about what we were wanting to marry in the other person and I would also say in terms of looking at gay marriage not only was I able to with Ingo work out what our marriage was but within that there was a deeper sense of truth, a deeper sense of connecting with what was really our truth. One of my other bug bearers about the concept of marriage is around total monogamy. Now I get for some couples that's really going to work, gay and straight, you know that's gonna absolutely work that idea of monogamy but I do know for a large number of gay men where that's a real struggle. Where you know that after a few years the sex life kind of peters out and people come to me looking for tantra techniques around how to get the passion back and for me I think that there's two things that are going on, there one is about how to sustain true intimacy that brings sexual energy, I think that's one pathway but I also think the other pathway is just a fact of life. We are sexual beings, we feel sexual with a particular partner for a while and over time that subsides but I think also in there is that relationships are not just based on sex. For me a relationship is hard work but it's based on true deep intimacy with another or actually if you're using the other person as a mirror it's actually deep intimacy with yourself and for me it's about finding your truth and it's about naming the stuff that is really really difficult for you to like name your needs, name your desires, name your passion and for you to be working that out with your partner around what is the best way, what is the marriage, what is the agreement, what is the support with each other that can help you both live within a beautiful container that is intimate, loving, honest, truthful and without needing to suppress yourself . I think for me that's what Tantra brings us is those ideas and possibilities of living your complete truth and being able to construct that within a marriage, within a container that's of your choosing. So just some ideas for you about the ideas of gay marriage and I hope that they helpful to you. Take care till next time, bye, bye